Join the Anti-Road League!
Note: Flamers, road lobbyists and other undesirables please ignore this page. Persons taking this page seriously will be shot, poisoned and stabbed until... until they've had enough, and after that put on bread and water for six weeks. There. Listeners who think they know where that set of quotes comes from, please email me because I'd be surprised if you do!
Fellow gunzels, the time has come! We all like trains, but do we like them to the exclusion of all else?
- Do you hate trucks roaring past and blowing their dirty exhast in your face?
- Don't you just hate it when people talk about the acceleration rates of their cars all day at Christmas gatherings?
- Aren't you appalled at the road toll?
- Do you agree bus services are worse than train or tram services?
JOIN THE CLUB! Be one of thousands (well, maybe that's an exaggeration) of happy steel-wheeled Anti-Road League members! Kick the rubber-tyred rat-finks where it hurts!
To join, all you have to do is:
- Take the oath: "Go By Rail, to the exclusion of all else!"
- Sign the contract in blood
- Sell your car if you have one
- <Font Size="Fine Print">Send the proceeds of the sale to me by Direct Deposit</Font>
- Write to your local MP asking that rubber-tyred vehicles be outlawed to stop the exploitation of rubber trees
- Do everything you can to make road transport inconvenient for others:
- Press the button at pedestrian lights when walking past
- When crossing at traffic lights, make sure you cause a turning car to come to a halt to let you pass - after all, if you give way to him, he's just being a bully, taking advantage of the fact that he weighs more than you do.
The cars of the early 20th Century didn't do much - they could just barely kill you if they hit you hard enough. Today's cars in today's society do much, much more. They actually kill you three times! Let's count:
- First, they give you a great excuse not to walk, thereby denying you the exercise your body needs to burn off all those excess calories that we all consume. So they do their best to let you get badly overweight and die of a heart attack.
- Second, all cars in the world today cooperate in value-adding specialised gases to the atmosphere - thus ensuring that if you don't die of a heart attack, you still have the option of dying of asthma, lung cancer, or any of several other exciting possibilities.
- Then, to ensure you never suffer from growing old, they can, without warning, kill you stone dead in seconds by initialising the "accident" routine, recently made famous by the TAC.
So there you have it - three marvellous possibilities. All brought to you by the rubber-tyred CAR! On sale now at your nearest undertaker. Buy one today!
The Devil, when he tours the city streets, no longer leaves behind the stench of sulphur but rather one of gasoline.
- Giovannie Guareschi, "Don Camillo meets Hell's Angels"
The rubber-tyred sluggard says, "There is a mugger on the bus!" or, "I will be murdered on the station!"
- Proverbs 22:13
"Motorists need acceleration. It's their substitute for achievement!" - Sir Michael H. Appleby-Angelico
Anti-Road League President: Michael Angelico
Proudly 25 years old and with no driver's licence
This page is copyright © 1998-2008 Michael Angelico. It may not be republished in any form without permission from the author. If you have any questions email me.