First produced on QR's Tilt Train Comique, Melbourne on September 12, 2054.

Officers of Dragoon Gunzels

Rapturous Maidens

REGINALD BUNTHORNE (A bad driver) Light Baritone
ARCHIBALD GROSVENOR (A professional driver) Baritone

IMPATIENCE (A Station Caretaker) Soprano

Chorus of Rapturous MAIDENS
Officers of Dragoon Gunzels

ACT I - Exterior of Castle Bunthorne

1.	Twenty car-sick maidens we (Opening Chorus and Solos) - Maidens, Angela, and Saphir
2.	Still brooding on their mad infatuation (Recitative) - Impatience, Saphir, Angela, and Chorus
	I cannot tell what this love may be (Solo) - Impatience
2a.	Twenty car-sick maidens we (Chorus) - Maidens
3.	The soldiers of our Queen (Chorus and Solo) - Dragoons and Colonel
4.	In a doleful train (Chorus and Solos) - Maidens, Angela, Saphir, Dragoons, and Bunthorne
4a.	Twenty car-sick maidens we (Chorus) - Maidens
5.	When I first put this uniform on (Solo and Chorus) - Colonel and Dragoons
6.	Am I alone and unobserved? (Recitative and Solo) - Bunthorne
7.	Long years ago, fourteen maybe (Duet) - Impatience and Angela
8.	Prithee, pretty maiden (Duet) - Impatience and Grosvenor
8a.	Though to marry you would very selfish be (Duet) - Impatience and Grosvenor
9.	Let the merry cymbals sound (Finale of Act I) - Ensemble

ACT II - A Glade

10.	On such eyes as maidens cherish (Opening Chorus) - Maidens
11.	Sad is that woman's lot (Recitative and Solo) - Jane
12.	Turn, oh, turn in this direction (Chorus) - Maidens
13.	A magnet hung in a hardware shop (Solo and Chorus) - Grosvenor and Maidens
14.	Love is a plaintive song (Solo) - Impatience
15.	So go to him and say to him (Duet) - Jane and Bunthorne
16.	It's clear that petrol-headedness (Trio) - Duke, Major, and Colonel
17.	If Saphir I choose to marry (Quintet) - Duke, Colonel, Major, Angela, and Saphir
18.	When I go out of door (Duet) - Bunthorne and Grosvenor
19.	I'm a Warrnambool Line young man (Solo and Chorus) - Grosvenor and Maidens
20.	After much debate internal (Finale of Act II) - Ensemble

No. 1. Twenty car-sick maidens we

(Opening Chorus and Solos)
Maidens, Angela, and Saphir

MAIDENS Twenty car-sick maidens we, Car-sick all against our will.
Twenty years hence we shall be Twenty car-sick maidens still!
Twenty car-sick maidens we, And we die for love of thee!
Twenty car-sick maidens we, Car-sick all against our will.
Twenty years hence we shall be Twenty car-sick maidens still!

ANGELA Love feeds on hope, they say, or love will die;

MAIDENS Ah, miserie!

ANGELA Yet my love lives, although no hope have I!

MAIDENS Ah, miserie!

ANGELA Alas, poor heart, go hide thyself away,
To weeping concords tune thy roundelay! Ah, miserie!

MAIDENS All our love is all for one, Yet that love he heedeth not,
He is coy and cares for none, Sad and sorry is our lot! Ah, miserie!

SAPHIR Go, breaking heart, Go, dream of love requited!
Go, foolish heart, Go, dream of lovers plighted;
Go, madcap heart, Go, dream of never waking;
And in thy dream Forget that thou art breaking!

MAIDENS Ah, miserie!

SAPHIR Forget that thou art breaking!

MAIDENS Twenty car-sick maidens we, Car-sick all against our will.
Twenty years hence we shall be Twenty car-sick maidens still. Ah, miserie!

ANGELA There is a strange magic in this love of ours! Rivals as we all are in the affections of our Reginald, the very hopelessness of our love is a bond that binds us to one another!

SAPHIR Jealousy is merged in misery. While he, the very cynosure of our eyes and hearts, remains icy insensible - what have we to strive for?

ANGELA The love of maidens is, to him, as interesting as the taxes!

SAPHIR Would that it were! He pays his taxes.

ANGELA And cherishes the receipts!

[Enter LADY JANE, L.U.E.]

SAPHIR Happy receipts! [All sigh heavily]

JANE [L.C., suddenly] Fools! [They start, and turn to her]

ANGELA I beg your pardon?

JANE Fools and blind! The man loves - wildly loves!

ANGELA But whom? None of us!

JANE No, none of us. His weird fancy has lighted, for the nonce, on Impatience, the village station mistress!

SAPHIR On Impatience? Oh, it cannot be!

JANE Bah! But yesterday I caught him in her office, buying tickets with a tablespoon. Today he is not well!

SAPHIR But Impatience boasts that she has never loved - that love is, to her, a sealed book! Oh, he cannot be serious!

JANE 'Tis but a fleeting fancy - 'twill quickly wear away. [aside, coming down-stage] Oh, Reginald, if you but knew what a wealth of golden love is waiting for you, stored up in this rugged old bosom of mine, the station mistress's triumph would be short indeed!

[IMPATIENCE appears on an eminence, R. She looks down with pity on the despondent Ladies.]

No. 2. Still brooding on their mad infatuation!

(Recitative) Impatience, Saphir, Angela, and Maidens

IMPATIENCE Still brooding on their mad infatuation!
I thank thee, Love, thou comest not to me!
Far happier I, free from thy ministration,
Than dukes or duchesses who love can be!

SAPHIR [looking up] Impatience - happy girl! Loved by a driver!

IMPATIENCE Your pardon, ladies. I intrude upon you! [Going]

ANGELA Nay, pretty child, come hither. [IMPATIENCE descends.] Is it true that you have never loved?

IMPATIENCE Most true indeed.

SOPRANOS Most marvelous!

ALTOS And most deplorable!

I cannot tell what this love may be

(Solo) Impatience

IMPATIENCE [L.C.] I cannot tell what this love may be That cometh to all but not to me.
It cannot be kind as they'd imply, Or why do these ladies sigh?

It cannot be joy and rapture deep, Or why do these gentle ladies weep?
It cannot be blissful as 'tis said, Or why are their eyes so wondrous red?

Though ev'rywhere true love I see A-coming to all, but not to me,
I cannot tell what this love may be! For I am blithe and I am gay,
While they sit sighing night and day.

IMPATIENCE If love is a thorn, they show no wit Who foolishly hug and foster it.
If love is a weed, how simple they Who gather it, day by day!

If love is a nettle that makes you smart, Then why do you wear it next your heart?
And if it be none of these, say I, Ah, why do you sit and sob and sigh?

Though ev'rywhere true love I see A-coming to all, but not to me,
I cannot tell what this love may be! For I am blithe and I am gay,
While they sit sighing night and day.

IMPATIENCE	ALL
For I am blithe and I am gay, Think of the gulf 'twixt them and me, Think of the gulf 'twixt them and me,	Yes, she is blithe and she is gay, Yes, she is blithe and she is gay,
Fal la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
and miserie!	Ah, miserie!

ANGELA Ah, Impatience, if you have never loved, you have never known true happiness! [All sigh.]

IMPATIENCE [C.] But the truly happy always seem to have so much on their minds. The truly happy never seem quite well.

JANE [coming L.C.] There is a transcendentality of delirium - an acute accentuation of supremest ecstasy - which the earthy might easily mistake for carbon monoxide poisoning. But it is not carbon monoxide poisoning - it is aesthetic transfiguration! [to the others.] Enough of babble. Come!

IMPATIENCE [stopping her as she turns to go up C.] But stay, I have some news for you. The 35th Dragoon Gunzels have halted in the village, and are even now on their way to this very spot.

ANGELA The 35th Dragoon Gunzels!

SAPHIR They are fleshly men, of full habit!

ANGELA We care nothing for Dragoon Gunzels!

IMPATIENCE But, bless me, you were all engaged to them a year ago!

SAPHIR A year ago!

ANGELA A year ago! My poor child, you don't understand these things. A year ago they were very well in our eyes, but since then our tastes have been realized with ether - or "ether-realized" as some might say. [to the others] Come, it is time to lift up our voices in morning carol to our Reginald. Let us to his door!

[ANGELA leading, the Ladies go off, two and two, Jane last, over the drawbridge into the castle, singing refrain of "Twenty car-sick maidens", and, as before, accompanying themselves on harps, etc.]

No. 2a. Twenty car-sick maidens we

(Chorus) Maidens

MAIDENS Twenty car-sick maidens we, Car-sick all against our will.
Twenty years hence we shall be Twenty car-sick maidens still! Ah, miserie!

[IMPATIENCE watches them in surprise, and, with a gesture of complete bafflement, climbs the rock and goes off the way she entered.]

[The officers of the DRAGOON GUNZELS enter, R., led by the MAJOR. They form their line across the front of the stage.]

No. 3. The soldiers of our Queen

(Chorus and Solo) Dragoons and Colonel

DRAGOONS The soldiers of our Queen Are linked in friendly tether;
Upon the battle scene They fight the foe together.

There ev'ry mother's son Prepared to fight and fall is;
The enemy of one The enemy of all is!
The enemy of one The enemy of all is!

[On an order from the MAJOR they fall back.]

[Enter the COLONEL. All salute.]

COLONEL [C.] If you want a receipt for that popular mystery, Known to the world as a Heavy Dragoon,

DRAGOONS [saluting] Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

COLONEL Take all the remarkable people in history, Rattle them off to a popular tune.

DRAGOONS Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

COLONEL The pluck of Lord Nelson on board of the Victory- Genius of Bismarck devising a plan-
The humour of Fielding (which sounds contradictory)- Coolness of Paget about to trepan-
The science of Jullien, the eminent musico- Wit of Macaulay, who wrote of Queen Anne-
The pathos of Paddy, as rendered by Boucicault- Style of the Bishop of Sodor and Man-
The dash of a D'Orsay, divested of quackery- Narrative powers of Dickens and Thackeray-
Victor Emmanuel - peak-haunting Peveril- Thomas Aquinas, and Doctor Sacheverell-
Tupper and Tennyson - Daniel Defoe- Anthony Trollope and Mister Guizot!

DRAGOONS Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

DRAGOONS Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

COLONEL	DRAGOONS
Ah! Take of these elements all that is fusible Melt them all down in a pipkin or crucible- Set them to simmer, and take off the scum, And a Heavy Dragoon Is the residuum!	A Heavy Dragoon, a Heavy Dragoon, A Heavy Dragoon, a Heavy Dragoon, A Heavy Dragoon, a Heavy Dragoon, Is the residuum!

COLONEL The brains of Alf Smith with his five hundred locos- The style of Sir Harold designing the Blue
The passenger power of Norman Charles Harris- The Canada Pacific-style Thomas Tait too-
The passion for tramways of Sir Robert Risson- And Yankee-style Webb with his trains of great length-
The genius and impact of Gary McDonald- And bright Harold Young and his engines of strength-
The Phoenix recovery of Robert George Wishart- Good old George Brown with his true railwayman's heart-
Clyde Engineering- the workshops at Newport- A GE Goninan- a Thirty-six pig-snort-
Norman De Pomoroy- Harrigan's book- Historian Patsy- the Overland's cook!

DRAGOONS Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

COLONEL	DRAGOONS
Ah! Take of these elements all that is fusible Melt them all down in a pipkin or crucible- Set them to simmer, and take off the scum, And a Heavy Dragoon Is the residuum!	A Heavy Dragoon, a Heavy Dragoon, A Heavy Dragoon, a Heavy Dragoon, A Heavy Dragoon, a Heavy Dragoon, Is the residuum!

COLONEL Well, here we are once more on the scene of our former triumphs. But where's the Duke?

[Enter DUKE, listlessly, and in low spirits.]

DUKE Here I am! [Sighs.]

COLONEL Come, cheer up, don't give way!

DUKE Oh, for that, I'm as cheerful as a poor devil can be expected to be who has the misfortune to be a Duke, with a thousand Euros a day!

MAJOR Humph! Most men would envy you!

DUKE Envy me? Tell me, Major, are you fond of toffee?

MAJOR Very!

COLONEL We are all once more on dry land, and we find the change delightful.

ALL We do!

DUKE Yes, and toffee in moderation is a capital thing. But to live on toffee - toffee for breakfast, toffee for dinner, toffee for tea - to have it supposed that you care for nothing but toffee, and that you would consider yourself insulted if anything but toffee were offered to you - how would you like that?

COLONEL I can quite believe that, under those circumstances, even dry land would become monotonous.

DUKE For "toffee" read flattery, adulation, and abject deference, carried to such a pitch that I began, at last, to think that man was born bent at an angle of forty-five degrees! Great heavens, what is there to adulate in me? Am I particularly intelligent, or remarkably studious, or excruciatingly witty, or unusually accomplished, or exceptionally virtuous?

COLONEL You're about as commonplace a young man as ever I saw.

ALL You are!

DUKE Exactly! That's it exactly! That describes me to a Ford Model T! Thank you all very much! [Shakes hands with the Colonel] Well, I couldn't stand it any longer, so I joined this second-class cavalry regiment. In the army, thought I, I shall be occasionally snubbed, perhaps even bullied, who knows? The thought was rapture, and here I am.

COLONEL [looking off] Yes, and here are the ladies!

DUKE But who is the gentleman with the long hair?

COLONEL I don't know.

DUKE He seems popular!

COLONEL He does seem popular!

[The DRAGOONS back up R., watching the entrance of the Ladies. BUNTHORNE enters, L.U.E., followed by the Ladies, two and two, playing on harps as before. He is tinkering with his engine, and is quite absorbed. He sees no one, but buries his head under the hood, every movement followed by the Ladies, who take no notice of the DRAGOONS - to the surprise and indignation of those officers.]

[Bunthorne, the Ladies following, comes slowly down L. and then crosses the stage to R.]

No. 4. In a doleful train

(Chorus and Solos) Maidens, Angela, Saphir, Dragoons, and Bunthorne

MAIDENS In a doleful train Two and two we walk all day-
For we love in vain! None so sorrowful as they
Who can only sigh and say, Woe is me, alackaday!
Woe is me, alackaday!

DRAGOONS Now is not this ridiculous, and is not this preposterous?
A thorough-paced absurdity - explain it if you can.
Instead of rushing eagerly to cherish us and foster us,
They all prefer this melancholy petrol-headed man.
Instead of slyly peering at us, Casting looks endearing at us,
Blushing at us, flushing at us, flirting with a fan;
They're actually sneering at us, fleering at us, jeering at us! Pretty sort of treatment for a military man!
They're actually sneering at us, fleering at us, jeering at us! Pretty sort of treatment for a military man!

[Bunthorne, C.]

ANGELA [R. of BUNTHORNE] Auto driver, hear our prayer, Twenty car-sick maidens we-
Young and wealthy, dark and fair, All of county family.
And we die for love of thee- Twenty car-sick maidens we!

MAIDENS Yes, we die for love of thee- Twenty car-sick maidens we!

BUNTHORNE [crossing to L.] Though my sump I seem to scan In a rapt ecstatic way,
Like a "petrol-headed man" Who despises female clay,
I hear plainly all they say, Twenty car-sick maidens they!

[BUNTHORNE crosses to C.]

DRAGOONS [to each other] He hears plainly all they say, Twenty car-sick maidens they!

SAPHIR [L. of BUNTHORNE] Though so excellently wise, For a moment mortal be,
Deign to raise thy petrol eyes From thy greasy poesy.
Twenty car-sick maidens see- Each is kneeling on her knee!

[All kneel.]

MAIDENS Twenty car-sick maidens see- Each is kneeling on her knee!

BUNTHORNE [going R.] Though, as I remarked before, Any one convinced would be
That some transportable lore Is monopolizing me,
Round the corner I can see Each is kneeling on her knee!

DRAGOONS Round the corner he can see Each is kneeling on her knee!
Now is not this ridiculous, and is not this preposterous?
A thorough-paced absurdity - ridiculous! preposterous! Explain it if you can.

ANGELA [C.] Oh, sir, leave us; our minds are but ill-tuned to light love-talk.

MAJOR [L.C.] But what in the world has come over you all?

JANE [L.C.] Bunthorne! He has come over us. He has come among us, and he has idealized us.

DUKE Has he succeeded in idealizing you?

JANE He has!

DUKE Good old Bunthorne!

JANE My eyes are open; I droop despairingly; I am soulfully intense; I am limp and I cling!

[During this BUNTHORNE is seen in all the agonies of indecision. The Ladies are watching him intently as he writhes. At last he hits on the spark plug he wants and hammers it down. A general sense of relief.]

BUN. Finished! At last! Finished!

[He staggers, overcome with the mental strain, into the engine. The COLONEL pulls him out.]

COLONEL Are you better now?

BUN. Yes - oh, it's you! - I am better now. The repair is finished, and my soul has gone out into it. That was all. It was nothing worth mentioning, it occurs three times a day. [Sees IMPATIENCE, who has entered during this scene.] Ah, Impatience! Dear Impatience!

[Holds her hand; she seems frightened.]

ANGELA Will it please you crank it for us, sir?

SAPHIR This we supplicate. [All kneel.]

BUN. Shall I?

DRAGOONS No!

BUN. [annoyed - to IMPATIENCE] I will start it if you bid me!

IMPATIENCE [much frightened] You can if you like!

BUN. It is a wild, weird, fleshy thing; yet very fast, very powerful, very precious. It is called, "Oh, Solid! Solid! Solid!"

IMPATIENCE Is it a hunting truck?

BUN. A hunting truck? No, it is not a hunting truck. It is the fastest sports model in the world, imported from overseas - we know not where and we don't much care. To enjoy it, squash passionately against one another on the seats and think how worse off you'd be in an airliner. [They do so as he cranks]

[Tries to start car. Engine doesn't fire, as per "Last Goon Show of All". Thick black smoke pours out of the exhaust system and engine.]

BUN. My starting handle and I are having great difficulty starting sports car number One Six One! Please excuse me while I fetch an oil filter.

[He goes off, L.U.E. All turn and watch him, not speaking until he has gone.]

ANGELA How purely fragrant!

SAPHIR How earnestly precious!

IMPATIENCE Well, it seems to me to be chokingly filthy.

SAPHIR Filthy, yes, perhaps - but oh, how preciously filthy!

COLONEL This is all very well, but you seem to forget that you are engaged to us.

SAPHIR It can never be. You are not Toyotean. You are not Mercedes-Benzene. You are not even British Leyland. Oh, be British Leyland ere it is too late!

[Officers look at each other in astonishment.]

JANE [looking at uniform] High-Vis Vests! Secondary colors! Oh, South Kensington Container Terminal!

DUKE We didn't design our safety clothing, but we don't see how it could be improved!

JANE No, you wouldn't. Still, there is a cobwebby grey GM engine, with a tender bloom like cold automatic transmission fluid, which, made Florentine fourteen hundred cc, trimmed with real leather seats and Spanish alterations, and surmounted with something Japanese - it matters not what - would at least be British Leyland! Come, maidens.

[Exeunt Maidens, L.U.E., two and two, singing refrain of "Twenty car-sick maidens we". IMPATIENCE goes off L. The Officers watch the Ladies go off in astonishment.]

No. 4a. Twenty car-sick maidens we

(Chorus) Maidens

[As the MAIDENS depart, the DRAGOONS spread across the stage.]

MAIDENS Twenty car-sick maidens we, Car-sick all against our will.
Twenty years hence we shall be Twenty car-sick maidens still! Ah, miserie!

DUKE Gentlemen, this is an insult to the Gunzel's Hi-Vis uniform!

COLONEL A uniform that has been as successful in the courts of Transport House as on the field of Ballarat East!

No. 5. When I first put this uniform on

(Solo and Chorus) Colonel and Dragoons

[The DRAGOONS form their original line.]

COL. When I first put this uniform on, I said, as I looked in the glass,
"It's one to a million That any civilian My figure and form will surpass.
Gold lace has a charm for the fair, And I've plenty of that, and to spare,
While a lover's professions, When uttered in Hessians, Are eloquent ev'rywhere!"
A fact that I counted upon, When I first put this uniform on!

CHORUS By a simple coincidence few could ever have counted upon,
The same thing occurred to me, when I first put this uniform on!

COL. I said, when I first put it on, "It is plain to the veriest dunce,
That every beauty Will feel it her duty To yield to its glamour at once.
They will see that I'm freely gold-laced In a uniform handsome and chaste-
But the goggles and leathers Of those petrol-headers Are very much more to their taste-
Which I never counted upon, When I first put this uniform on!

CHORUS By a simple coincidence few could ever have reckoned upon,
I didn't anticipate that, When I first put this uniform on!

[The DRAGOONS go off angrily, R.]

[Enter BUNTHORNE, L.U.E., who changes his manner and becomes intensely melodramatic.]

No. 6. Am I alone and unobserved?

(Recitative and Solo) Bunthorne

BUN. Am I alone, And unobserved? I am! Then let me own I'm an automotive sham!

This air severe Is but a mere Veneer!
This greasy smile Is but a wile Of guile!
These overalls chaste Are but good taste Misplaced!
Let me confess!

A languid love for spark plugs does not blight me!
Sump oil and carburettors do not delight me!
I do not care for gasolines By any means.
I do not long for all one sees That's Japanese.
I am not fond of uttering platitudes In stained-glass attitudes.
In short, my car-mindedness is affectation,
Born of a morbid love of admiration!

[Tiptoes up-stage, looking L. and R., and comes back down, C.]

If you're anxious for to shine in the high car owner's line as a man of riches rare,
You must get up all the germs of the transportation terms, and plant them ev'rywhere.
You must lean upon the chassis and discourse in novel phrases of your complicated state of mind,
The meaning doesn't matter if it's only idle chatter of a transportation kind.

And ev'ry one will say, As you walk your mobile way,
"If this young man expresses himself in terms too deep for me,
Why, what a very singularly deep young man this deep young man must be!"

Be eloquent in praise of the very dull old drays which have mostly passed away,
And convince 'em, if you can, that the Commodoore tin can is the roadways' barmiest play.
Of course you will pooh-pooh whatever's fresh and new, and declare it's crude and mean,
For Art stopped short in the cultivated court of the Scoresby Freeway scene.

And ev'ryone will say, As you walk your mystic way,
"If that's not good enough for him which is good enough for me,
Why, what a very cultivated kind of youth this kind of youth must be!"

Then a sentimental passion of a painted steel fashion must excite your languid spleen,
An attachment a la Plato for a bashful young Tornado, or a not-too-French 2CV!
Though the diesel trains may jostle, you will rank as an apostle in the automotive band,
If you burn up anticyclone with a Goodyear or a Bridgestone in your heavy-footed hand.

And ev'ryone will say, As you skid your noisy way,
"If he's content with a rubber-plated road which would certainly not suit me,
Why, what a most particularly brave young man this brave young man must be!"

[At the end of his song, IMPATIENCE enters, L. He sees her.]

BUN. Ah! Impatience, come hither. [She comes to him timidly.] I am pleased with thee. The bitter-hearted one, who finds all else hollow, is pleased with thee. For you are not hollow. Are you?

IMPATIENCE No, thanks, I have dined; but - I beg your pardon - I interrupt you. [Turns to go; he stops her.]

BUN. Life is made up of interruptions. The tortured soul, yearning for solitude, writhes under them. Oh, but my heart is a-weary! Oh, I am a cursed thing! [She attempts to escape.] Don't go.

IMPATIENCE Really, I'm very sorry.

BUN. Tell me, girl, do you ever yearn?

IMPATIENCE I earn my living.

BUN. [impatiently] No, no! Do you know what it is to be heart-hungry? Do you know what it is to yearn for extra performance, and yet be brought face to face, daily, with a car that takes 35 seconds to get to 100km/h? Do you know what it is to seek Rolls Royces and to find bus tickets? To long for high compression ratios - and have to do the best you can with bellowing? That's my case. Oh, I am a cursed thing! [She turns again.] Don't go.

IMPATIENCE If you please, I don't understand you - you frighten me!

BUN. Don't be frightened - it's only car driver's talk.

IMPATIENCE Well, if that's car driver's talk, I don't like car driver's talk.

BUN. [eagerly] Don't you? [aside] Can I trust her? [aloud] Impatience, you don't like car driver's talk - well, between you and me, I don't like car driver's talk. It's hollow, unsubstantial - unsatisfactory. What's the use of yearning for BMWs when you know you can't get 'em, and would only lose 'em in level crossing accidents if you had 'em?

IMPATIENCE Sir, I -

BUN. Impatience, I have long loved you. Let me tell you a secret. I am not as bilious as I look. If you like, I will remove my goggles. There is more innocent fun within me than a casual spectator would imagine. You have never seen me frolicsome. Be a good girl - a very good girl - and one day you shall. If you are fond of touch-and-go jocularity - this is the shop for it.

IMPATIENCE Sir, I will speak plainly. In the matter of love I am untaught. I have never loved but my great-aunt. But I am quite certain that, under any circumstances, I couldn't possibly love you.

BUN. Oh, you think not?

IMPATIENCE I'm quite sure of it. Quite sure. Quite.

BUN. Very good. Life is henceforth a blank. I don't care twopence halfpenny what becomes of me. I have only to ask that you will not abuse my confidence; though you despise me, I am extremely popular with the other young ladies.

IMPATIENCE I only ask that you will leave me and never renew the subject.

BUN. Certainly. Broken-hearted and desolate, I go. Farewell! Impatience, farewell!

[Exit BUNTHORNE.]

IMPATIENCE What on earth does it all mean? Why does he love me? Why does he expect me to love him? [going R.] He's not a relation! It frightens me!

[Enter ANGELA, L.]

ANGELA Why, Impatience, what is the matter?

IMPATIENCE Lady Angela, tell me two things. Firstly, what on earth is this love that upsets everybody; and, secondly, how is it to be distinguished from insanity?

ANGELA Poor blind child! Oh, forgive her, Esso! Why, love is of all passions the most essential! It is the embodiment of purity, the abstraction of refinement! It is the one unselfish emotion in this whirlpool of grasping greed!

IMPATIENCE Oh, dear, oh! [beginning to cry]

ANGELA Why are you crying?

IMPATIENCE To think that I have lived all these years without having experienced this ennobling and unselfish passion! Why, what a wicked girl I must be! For it is unselfish, isn't it?

ANGELA Absolutely! Love that is tainted with selfishness is no love. Oh, try, try, try to love! It really isn't difficult if you give your whole mind to it.

IMPATIENCE I'll set about it at once. I won't go to bed until I'm head over ears in love with somebody.

ANGELA Noble girl! But is it possible that you have never loved anybody?

IMPATIENCE Yes, one.

ANGELA Ah! Whom?

IMPATIENCE My great-aunt-

ANGELA Great-aunts don't count.

IMPATIENCE They don't?

ANGELA Some don't read or write, either.

IMPATIENCE Oh dear. Then there's nobody. At least - no, nobody. Not since I was a baby. But that doesn't count either, I suppose.

ANGELA I don't know. Tell me about it.

No. 7. Long years ago, fourteen maybe

(Duet) Impatience and Angela

IMPATIENCE [R.] Long years ago - fourteen, maybe, When but a tiny babe of four,
Another baby played with me, My elder by a year or more;

A little child of beauty rare, With marv'lous eyes and wondrous hair,
Who, in my child-eyes, seemed to me All that a little child should be!

[She goes to ANGELA, L.C.]

Ah, how we loved, that child and I! How pure our baby joy!
How true our love - and, by the bye, He was a little boy!

ANGELA Ah, old, old tale of Cupid's touch!
I thought as much - I thought as much! He was a little boy!

IMPATIENCE Pray don't misconstrue what I say-
Remember, pray - remember, pray, He was a little boy!

ANGELA No doubt! Yet, spite of all your pains,
The interesting fact remains - He was a little boy!

BOTH Ah, yes, in/No doubt, yet spite of all my/your pains,
The interesting fact remains- He was a little boy! He was a little boy!

[Exit ANGELA, L.]

IMPATIENCE [R.C.] It's perfectly dreadful to think of the appalling state I must be in! I had no idea that love was a duty. No wonder they all look so unhappy! Upon my word, I hardly like to associate with myself. I don't think I'm respectable. I'll go at once and fall in love with... [As she turns to go up R., GROSVENOR enters, R.U.E. She sees him and turns back.] a stranger!

No. 8. Prithee, pretty maiden

(Duet)
Impatience and Grosvenor

GROSVENOR [up-stage, R. ] Prithee, pretty maiden - prithee, tell me true,
(Hey, but I'm doleful, willow willow waly!)
Have you e'er a lover a-dangling after you? Hey willow waly O! [coming down-stage]
I would fain discover If you have a lover!
Hey willow waly O!

IMPATIENCE [L.] Gentle sir, my heart is frolicsome and free-
(Hey, but he's doleful, willow willow waly!)
Nobody I care for comes a-courting me- Hey willow waly O!
Nobody I care for Comes a-courting - therefore,
Hey willow waly O!

GROSVENOR [C.] Prithee, pretty maiden, will you marry me?
(Hey, but I'm hopeful, willow willow waly!)
I may say, at once, I'm a man of propertee- Hey willow waly O!
Money, I despise it; Many people prize it,
Hey willow waly O!

IMPATIENCE Gentle Sir, although to marry I design-
(Hey, but he's hopeful, willow willow waly!)
As yet I do not know you, and so I must decline. Hey willow waly O!
To other maidens go you- As yet I do not know you,

BOTH Hey willow waly O!

GROS. Impatience! Can it be that you don't recognize me?

IMPATIENCE [down L.] Recognize you? No, indeed I don't!

GROS. Have fifteen years so greatly changed me?

IMPATIENCE [turning to him] Fifteen years? What do you mean?

GROS. Have you forgotten the friend of your youth, your Archibald? - your little playfellow? Oh, Chronos, Chronos, this is too bad of you! [Comes down, C.]

IMPATIENCE Archibald! Is it possible? Why, let me look! It is! It is! [takes his hands.] It must be! Oh, how happy I am! I thought we should never meet again! And how you've grown!

GROS. Yes, Impatience, I am much taller and much stouter than I was.

IMPATIENCE And how you've improved!

GROS. [dropping her hands and turning] Yes, Impatience, I am very beautiful! [Sighs.]

IMPATIENCE But surely that doesn't make you unhappy?

GROS. Yes, Impatience. Gifted as I am with a beauty which probably has not its rival on earth, I am, nevertheless, utterly and completely miserable.

IMPATIENCE Oh - but why?

GROS. My child-love for you has never faded. Conceive, then, the horror of my situation when I tell you that it is my hideous destiny to be madly loved at first sight by every woman I come across!

IMPATIENCE But why do you make yourself so picturesque? Why not disguise yourself, disfigure yourself, anything to escape this persecution?

GROS. No, Impatience, that may not be. These gifts - irksome as they are - were given to me for the enjoyment and delectation of my fellow-creatures. I am a trustee for Beauty, and it is my duty to see that the conditions of my trust are faithfully discharged.

IMPATIENCE And you, too, are a car owner?

GROS. Yes, I am the Apostle of Simplicity. I am called "Archibald the All-Right" - for I am inflammable!

IMPATIENCE And is it possible that you condescend to love such a girl as I?

GROS. Yes, Impatience, is it not strange? I have loved you with a Florentine fourteenth-century frenzy for full fifteen years!

IMPATIENCE Oh, marvelous! I have hitherto been deaf to the voice of love. I seem now to know what love is! In the principle European courts it has been revealed to me - it is Archibald Grosvenor!

GROS. Yes, Impatience, it is! [She goes into his arms.]

IMPATIENCE [as in a trance] We will never, never part!

GROS. We will live and die together!

IMPATIENCE I swear it!

GROS. We both swear it!

IMPATIENCE [recoiling from him] But - oh, horror!

GROS. What's the matter?

IMPATIENCE Why, you are perfection! A source of endless ecstasy to all who know you!

GROS. I know I am. Well?

IMPATIENCE Then, bless my heart, there can be nothing unselfish in loving you!

GROS. Merciful powers! I never thought of that!

IMPATIENCE To monopolize those features on which all women love to linger! It would be unpardonable!

GROS. Why, so it would! Oh, fatal perfection, again you interpose between me and my happiness!

IMPATIENCE Oh, if you were but a thought less beautiful than you are!

GROS. Would that I were; but candour compels me to admit that I'm not!

IMPATIENCE Our duty is clear; we must part, and for ever!

GROS. Oh, misery! And yet I cannot question the propriety of your decision. Farewell, Impatience!

IMPATIENCE Farewell, Archibald! [they both turn to go.] [suddenly] But stay!

GROS. Yes, Impatience?

IMPATIENCE Although I may not love you - for you are perfection - there is nothing to prevent your loving me. I am plain, homely, unattractive!

GROS. Why, that's true!

IMPATIENCE The love of such a man as you for such a girl as I must be unselfish!

GROS. Unselfishness itself!

No. 8a. Though to marry you would very selfish be

(Duet) Impatience and Grosvenor

IMPATIENCE Though to marry you would very selfish be-

GROSVENOR Hey, but I'm doleful - willow willow waly!

IMPATIENCE You may, all the same, continue loving me -

GROSVENOR Hey willow waly O!

BOTH All the world ignoring, You'll/I'll go on adoring-
Hey, willow waly O!

[They go off sadly - IMPATIENCE, L., GROSVENOR, R.U.E.]

No. 9. Let the merry cymbals sound

(Finale of Act I) Ensemble

[Enter BUNTHORNE, crowned with roses and hung about with garlands, and looking very miserable. He is led by ANGELA and SAPHIR (each of whom holds an end of the rose-garland by which he is bound), and accompanied by procession of Maidens. They are dancing in the sixties style, and playing on electric guitars and other hippie instruments. JANE last, with a very large drum set.]

[The procession enters over the drawbridge, BUNTHORNE being preceded by the Chorus. They go R. and round the stage, ending with BUNTHORNE down L.C., with ANGELA on his R., SAPHIR on his L., JANE up C.]

MAIDENS Let the merry cymbals sound, Gaily pipe Pandaean pleasure,
With a Daphnephoric bound Tread a gay but classic measure, Tread a gay but classic measure.
Ev'ry heart with hope is beating, For, at this exciting meeting
Time and chance will decide Who shall be our Bunthorne's Pride!

Ev'ry heart with hope is beating, For, at this exciting meeting
Time and chance will decide Who shall be our Bunthorne's Pride!

Let the merry cymbals sound, Gaily pipe Pandaean pleasure,
With a Daphnephoric bound Tread a gay but classic, classic measure,
Tread a gay but classic, classic measure, A classic measure.

[DRAGOONS enter down R., forming a line diagonally up to up-stage, C.]

DRAGOONS Now tell us, we pray you, Why thus they array you-
Oh, driver, how say you- What is it you have done?

Now tell us, we pray you, Why thus they array you-
Oh, driver, how say you- What is it you've done?
Oh, driver, how say you- What is it you've done?

DUKE [C.] Of rite sacrificial, By sentence judicial,
This seems the initial, Then why don't you run?

COLONEL [R.C.] They cannot have led you To hang or behead you,
Nor may they all wed you, Unfortunate one!

DRAGOONS Then tell us, we pray you, Why thus they array you-
Oh, driver, how say you- What is it you've done?

BUNTHORNE Heart-broken at Impatience's barbarity, By the advice of my solicitor [He introduces his solicitor.]
In aid - in aid of deserving charity, I've put myself up to be raffled for!

MAIDENS By the advice of his solicitor, He's put himself up to be raffled for!

DRAGOONS Oh, horror! urged by his solicitor, He's put himself up to be raffled for!

MAIDENS Oh, heaven's blessing on his solicitor!

DRAGOONS A hideous curse on his solicitor!

MAIDENS Oh, heaven's blessing on his solicitor!

DRAGOONS A hideous curse on his solicitor!

DRAGOONS Stay, we implore you, For we adore you;
To us you're plighted To be united-
Stay, we implore you, we implore you!

DUKE [C.] Your maiden hearts, ah, do not steel To pity's eloquent appeal,
Such conduct British gunzels feel. [Aside ] Sigh, sigh, all sigh! [They all sigh.]

To foeman's steel we rarely see A British soldier bend the knee,
Yet, one and all, they kneel to ye- [Aside ] Kneel, kneel, all kneel! [They all kneel.]

Our soldiers very seldom cry, And yet - I need not tell you why-
A tear-drop dews each martial eye! [Aside ] Weep, weep, all weep! [They all weep.]

MAIDENS & DRAGOONS Our/We soldiers very seldom cry,
And yet - they/we need not tell us/you why-
DRAGOONS & DUKE A tear-drop dews each eye/martial eye! Weep, weep, all weep!

BUNTHORNE [coming briskly forward, L.C.] Come, walk up, and purchase with avidity,
Overcome your diffidence and natural timidity, Tickets for the raffle should be purchased with avidity,
Put in half a guinea and a husband you may gain-
Such a judge of blue-and-white and other kinds of pottery- From early Oriental down to modern terra-cottary-
Put in half a guinea - you may draw him in a lottery- Such an opportunity may not occur again.

MAIDENS Such a judge of blue-and-white and other kinds of pottery-
From early Oriental down to modern terra cottary-
Put in half a guinea - you may draw him in a lottery- Such an opportunity may not occur again.

[MAIDENS crowd up to purchase tickets. DRAGOONS dance in single file round stage, to express their indifference.]

DRAGOONS We've been thrown over, we're aware But we don't care - but we don't care!
There's fish in the sea, no doubt of it, As good as ever came out of it,
And some day we shall get our share, So we don't care - so we don't care!

[During this the GIRLS have been buying tickets. At last JANE presents herself. BUNTHORNE looks at her with aversion.]

BUNTHORNE And are you going a ticket for to buy?

JANE [surprised] Most certainly I am; why shouldn't I?

BUNTHORNE [aside] Oh, Twotune, this is hard!
[aloud] Blindfold your eyes; Four minutes will decide who wins the prize! [GIRLS blindfold themselves.]

MAIDENS Oh, Fivetune, to my aching heart be kind; Like us, thou art blindfolded, but not blind!
Just raise your bandage, thus, [Each uncovers one eye.] that you may see,
And give the prize, and give the prize to me! [They cover their eyes again.]

BUNTHORNE Come, Lady Jane, I pray you draw the first!

JANE [joyfully] He loves me best!

BUNTHORNE [aside] I want to know the worst!

[JANE puts her hand in bag to draw ticket. IMPATIENCE enters and prevents her.]

IMPATIENCE Hold! Stay your hand!

ALL [uncovering their eyes] What means this interference? Of this bold girl I pray you make a clearance!

JANE Away with you, away with you, and to your ticket sales go!

BUNTHORNE [suddenly] She wants a ticket! Take a dozen!

IMPATIENCE No! If there be pardon in your breast For this poor penitent,
Who with remorseful thought opprest, Sincerely doth repent;
If you, with one so lowly, still Desire to be allied,
Then you may take me, if you will, For I will be your bride! [She kneels to Bunthorne.]

CHORUS Oh, shameless one! Oh, bold-faced thing!
Away you run- Go, take your wing,
Oh, shameless one! Oh, bold-faced thing!
Away you run- Go, take your wing,
You shameless one! You bold-faced thing! [Bunthorne raises her.]

BUNTHORNE How strong is love! For many and many a week, She's loved me fondly, and has feared to speak
But Nature, for restraint too mighty far, Has burst the bonds of Art - and here we are!

IMPATIENCE No, Mister Bunthorne, no - you're wrong again; Permit me - I'll endeavour to explain!
True love must single-hearted be-

BUNTHORNE Exactly so!

IMPATIENCE From ev'ry selfish fancy free-

BUNTHORNE Exactly so!

IMPATIENCE No idle thought of gain or joy A maiden's fancy should employ-
True love must be without alloy, True love must be without alloy.

MEN Exactly so!

IMPATIENCE Imposture to contempt must lead-

COLONEL Exactly so!

IMPATIENCE Blind vanity's dissension's seed-

MAJOR Exactly so!

IMPATIENCE It follows, then, a maiden who Devotes herself to loving you
Is prompted by no selfish view, Is prompted by no selfish view!

MEN Exactly so!

SAPHIR [coming L. of BUNTHORNE] Are you resolved to wed this shameless one?

ANGELA [coming R. of BUNTHORNE] Is there no chance for any other?

BUNTHORNE [decisively] None! [Embraces IMPATIENCE]

[Exit IMPATIENCE and BUNTHORNE, L. ANGELA, SAPHIR, and JANE take COLONEL, DUKE, and MAJOR down, while GIRLS gaze fondly at other Officers.]

SEXTET (JANE, SAPHIR, ANGELA, DUKE, MAJOR, COLONEL)
I hear the soft note of the echoing voice Of an old, old love, long dead-
It whispers my sorrowing heart "rejoice"- For the last sad tear is shed-
The pain that is all but a pleasure will change For the pleasure that's all but pain,
And never, oh never, this heart will range From that old, old love again! [GIRLS embrace OFFICERS]

CHORUS Yes, the pain that is all but a pleasure will change For the pleasure that's all but pain,
And never, oh never, our hearts will range From that old, old love again!

DUKE	CHORUS
Oh, never, oh never	Oh, never, oh never our hearts will range our hearts, our hearts will range
From that old, old love again!
SEXTET	CHORUS
Oh, never, oh never, our hearts will range From that old, old love again!	Oh, never, oh never our hearts, Oh, never, our hearts will range From that old, old love again!

[The GIRLS embrace the Officers. Re-enter IMPATIENCE and BUNTHORNE. L.]

[As the DRAGOONS and GIRLS are embracing, enter GROSVENOR, R.U.E., reading. He takes no notice of them, but comes slowly down, still reading. The GIRLS are all strangely fascinated by him. The Chorus divides, L. & R., and the GIRLS are held back by the DRAGOONS, as they attempt to throw themselves at GROSVENOR. Fury of BUNTHORNE, who recognizes a rival.]

ANGELA [R.C.] But who is this, whose god-like grace Proclaims he comes of noble race?
And who is this, whose manly face Bears sorrow's interesting trace?

CHORUS Yes, who is this, whose god-like grace Proclaims he comes of noble race?

GROSVENOR [C.] I am a broken-hearted troubadour, Whose automotive and who tastes of fuel!

ANGELA A driver! He is a driver!

GROSVENOR Yes, yes - I am a driver! And what of it?

MAIDENS Then, we love you!

[They break away from the DRAGOONS, and kneel to GROSVENOR.]

DRAGOONS They love him! Horror!

BUNTHORNE and IMPATIENCE They love him! Horror!

GROSVENOR They love me! Horror! Horror! Horror!

ENSEMBLE [all parts sung at the same time]

IMPATIENCE	DUKE
List, Reginald, while I confess A love that's all unselfishness, That it's unselfish, goodness knows, You won't dispute it, I suppose!	My jealousy I can't express, Their love they openly confess; His shell-like ears he does not close To their recital of their woes.
SAPHIR, ANGELA, JANE	CHORUS
Oh, list while we a love confess That words imperfectly express. Those shell-like ears, ah, do not close To blighted love's distracting woes!	Oh, list while we/they a love confess That words imperfectly express.

[again, all parts simultaneously]

MAJOR, COLONEL & BUNTHORNE	GROSVENOR
My jealousy I can't express, Their love they openly confess! Their love they openly confess, confess!	Again my cursed comeliness Spreads hopeless anguish and distress, Spreads hopeless anguish and distress, distress!
MAIDENS	DRAGOONS
Yes, those shell-like ears, ah, do not close To blighted love's distracting woes! To blighted love's distracting woes, their woes!	Yes, his shell-like ears he does not close To their recital of their woes! To their recital of their woes, their woes!
IMPATIENCE	DUKE
Ah! And I shall love you, I shall love. Your ears, ah, do not close! Thy shell-like ears, ah, do not close To blighted love's distracting woes! Thy shell-like ears, ah, do not close To blighted love's distracting woes! To love's, to love's distracting woes! love's woes!	Ah! His shell-like ears he does not close To love's distracting woes! Now is not this ridiculous, and is not this preposterous? A thorough-paced absurdity, explain it if you can! Now is not this ridiculous, and is not this preposterous? A thorough-paced absurdity, explain it if you can! Explain, explain it if you can! you can!
SAPHIR, ANGELA, JANE	MAIDENS
Oh, list while we our love confess That words imperfectly express. Thy shell-like ears, ah, do not close To love's distracting woes! Thy shell-like ears, ah, do not close To blighted love's distracting woes! Thy shell-like ears, ah, do not close To blighted love's distracting woes! To love's, to love's distracting woes! love's woes!	Oh, list while we a love confess That words imperfectly express. Those shell-like ears, ah, do not close To love's distracting woes! Those shell-like ears, ah, do not close To blighted love's distracting woes! Those shell-like ears, ah, do not close To blighted love's distracting woes! To love's, to love's distracting woes! love's woes!
BUNTHORNE	MAJOR and COLONEL
My jealousy I can't express, Their love they openly confess, Their love they openly confess, confess. My jealousy I can't express, Their love they openly confess, His shell-like ears he does not close To love's distracting woes! His shell-like ears he does not close To blighted love's distracting woes! To love's, to love's distracting woes! love's woes!	My jealousy I can't express, Their love they openly confess. His shell-like ears he does not close To love's distracting woes! Now is not this ridiculous, and is not this preposterous? A thorough-paced absurdity, explain it if you can! Now is not this ridiculous, and is not this preposterous? A thorough-paced absurdity, explain it if you can! Explain, explain it if you can! you can!
GROSVENOR	MALE CHORUS
Again my cursed comeliness Spreads hopeless anguish and distress; Thine ears, oh, Fortune, do not close To love's distracting woes! My shell-like ears I can not close To blighted love's distracting woes! My shell-like ears I can not close To blighted love's distracting woes! To love's, to love's distracting woes! love's woes!	Oh, list while they a love confess That words imperfectly express. His shell-like ears He does not close To love's distracting woes! Now is not this ridiculous, and is not this preposterous? A thorough-paced absurdity, explain it if you can! Now is not this ridiculous, and is not this preposterous? A thorough-paced absurdity, explain it if you can! Explain, explain it if you can! you can!

[GROSVENOR makes a wild effort to escape up-stage; the GIRLS drag him back and kneel as the curtain falls.]

END OF ACT I

No. 10. On such eyes as maidens cherish

(Opening Chorus) Maidens

On such eyes as maidens cherish Let thy fond adorers gaze,
Or incontinently perish, In their all-consuming rays!
Or incontinently perish, In their all-consuming rays!

JANE The fickle crew have deserted Reginald and sworn allegiance to his rival, and all, forsooth, because he has glanced with passing favour on a puling stationmistress! Fools! Of that fancy he will soon weary - and then, I, who alone am faithful to him, shall reap my reward. But do not dally too long, Reginald, for my charms are ripe, Reginald, and already they are decaying. Better secure me ere I have gone too far!

No. 11. Sad is that woman's lot

(Recitative and Solo) Jane

JANE Sad is that woman's lot who, year by year, Sees, one by one, her beauties disappear,
When Time, grown weary of her heart-drawn sighs, Impatiently begins to dim her eyes!
Compelled, at last, in life's uncertain gloamings, To wreathe her wrinkled brow with well-saved "combings,"
Reduced, with rouge, lip-shade, and pearly grey, To "make up" for lost time as best she may!

Silvered is the raven hair, Spreading is the parting straight,
Mottled the complexion fair, Halting is the youthful gait,
Hollow is the laughter free, Spectacled the limpid eye,
Little will be left of me In the coming bye and bye!
Little will be left of me In the coming bye and bye!

Fading is the taper waist, Shapeless grows the shapely limb,
And although severely laced, Spreading is the figure trim!

Stouter than I used to be, Still more corpulent grow I-
There will be too much of me In the coming by and bye!
There will be too much of me In the coming by and bye!

[Exit, L., carrying her violoncello.]

[Enter GROSVENOR, R., followed by MAIDENS, two and two, playing on archaic instruments as in Act I. He is reading abstractedly, as BUNTHORNE did in Act I, and pays no attention to them.]

No. 12. Turn, oh, turn in this direction

(Chorus) Maidens

Turn, oh, turn in this direction, Shed, oh, shed a gentle smile,
With a glance of sad perfection, Our poor fainting hearts beguile!

On such eyes as maidens cherish Let thy fond adorers gaze,
Or incontinently perish, In their all-consuming rays!
Or incontinently perish, In their all-consuming rays!

[GROSVENOR sits, R.; they group themselves around him in a formation similar to that which opens Act I.]

GROS. [aside, not looking up] The old, old tale. How rapturously these maidens love me, and how hopelessly! [He looks up.] Oh, Impatience, Impatience, with the love of thee in my heart, what have I for these poor mad maidens but an unvalued pity? Alas, they will die of hopeless love for me, as I shall die of hopeless love for thee!

ANGELA Sir, will it please you read to us?

GROS. [sighing] Yes, child, if you will. What shall I read?

ANGELA One of your own driving manuals.

GROS. One of my own driving manuals? Better not, my child. They will not cure thee of thy love. [All sigh.]

ANGELA Mr. Bunthorne used to read us a Handy Hint of his own every day.

SAPHIR And, to do him justice, he read them extremely well.

GROS. Oh, did he so? Well, who am I that I should take upon myself to withhold my gifts from you? What am I but a trustee? Here is a decalet - a pure and simple thing, a very daisy - a babe might understand it. To appreciate it, it is not necessary to think of anything at all.

ANGELA Let us think of nothing at all!

GROS. [reciting] Gentle cranes are as heavy as gold, They always go where they are told;
They never dump when the skip is full, Or squash a person by playing the fool.
Or spill crude oil on the nice new road, Or put white lines on the tip-truck's load,
Or vivisect any passing buses, To terrify the working classes
So when they are built they are sold by Bankcard To a second-class builder who works them very hard!

GROS. I believe I am right in saying that there is not one word in that decalet which is calculated to bring the blush of shame to the cheek of modesty.

ANGELA Not one; it is purity itself.

GROS. Here's another. [reciting] Nuclear Bombs are a very bad toy, A mushroom cloud is his favourite ploy
He puts live fallout in his area's roots, And sows destruction on the sunny streets;
He punches pressure waves over their heads, And multiplies the city's dead;
He plasters the area with flying lumps, And drops hot concrete down in the dumps.
The consequence was he was lost totally, And replaced by a dumb bomb with a GPS ally!

[The MAIDENS express intense horror.]

ANGELA Marked you how grandly - how relentlessly - the damning catalogue of crime strode on, till Retribution, like a poised hawk, came swooping down upon the Wrong-Doer? Oh, it was terrible! [All shudder.]

SAPHIR Oh, sir, you are indeed a true hippie, for you touch our hearts, and they go out to you!

GROS. [aside] This is simply cloying. [aloud] Ladies, I am sorry to appear ungallant, but this is Saturday, and you have been following me about ever since Monday. I should like the usual lazy half-day tinkering with the car. I shall take it as a personal favour if you will kindly allow me to close early to-day.

SAPHIR Oh, sir, do not send us from you!

GROS. Poor, poor girls! It is best to speak plainly. I know that I am loved by you, but I never can love you in return, for my heart is fixed elsewhere! Remember the fable of the Magnet and the Churn.

ANGELA [wildly] But we don't know the fable of the Magnet and the Churn!

GROS. Don't you? Then I will sing it to you.

No. 13. A magnet hung in a hardware shop

(Solo and Chorus) Grosvenor and Maidens

GROSVENOR A magnet hung in a hardware shop, And all around was a loving crop
Of scissors and needles, nails and knives, Offering love for all their lives;
But for iron the magnet felt no whim, Though he charmed iron, it charmed not him;
From needles and nails and knives he'd turn, For he'd set his love on a Silver Churn!

MAIDENS A Silver Churn!

GROSVENOR A Silver Churn!

His most aesthetic, Very magnetic
Fancy took this turn-
"If I can wheedle A knife or a needle,
Why not a Silver Churn?"

MAIDENS His most aesthetic, Very magnetic
Fancy took this turn-
"If I can wheedle A knife or a needle,
Why not a Silver Churn?"

GROSVENOR [He rises, going C.]
And Iron and Steel expressed surprise, The needles opened their well-drilled eyes,
The penknives felt "shut up", no doubt, The scissors declared themselves "cut out",
The kettles they boiled with rage, 'tis said, While ev'ry nail went off its head,
And hither and thither began to roam, Till a hammer came up and drove them home.

MAIDENS It drove them home?

GROSVENOR It drove them home!

While this magnetic, Peripatetic
Lover he lived to learn,
By no endeavour Can magnet ever
Attract a Silver Churn!

MAIDENS While this magnetic, Peripatetic
Lover he lived to learn,

MAIDENS and GROSVENOR By no endeavour Can magnet ever
Attract a Silver Churn!

[They go off in low spirits, R.U.E., gazing back at him from time to time.]

GROS. At last they are gone! What is this mysterious fascination that I seem to exercise over all I come across? A curse on my fatal beauty, for I am sick of conquests! [Goes R.]

[Enter IMPATIENCE, L. Stops L.C. on seeing GROSVENOR.]

GROS. [Turns and sees her.] Impatience!

IMPATIENCE I have escaped with difficulty from my Reginald. I wanted to see you so much that I might ask you if you still love me as fondly as ever?

GROS. Love you? If the devotion of a lifetime- [seizing her hand.]

IMPATIENCE [indignantly] Hold! Unhand me, or I scream! [He releases her.] If you are a gentleman, pray remember that I am another's! [very tenderly.] But you do love me, don't you?

GROS. Madly, hopelessly, despairingly!

IMPATIENCE That's right! I never can be yours; but that's right!

GROS. And you love this Bunthorne?

IMPATIENCE With a heart-whole ecstasy that withers, and scorches, and burns, and stings! [sadly] It is my duty.

GROS. Admirable girl! But you are not happy with him?

IMPATIENCE Happy? I am miserable beyond description!

GROS. That's right! I never can be yours; but that's right!

IMPATIENCE But go now. I see dear Reginald approaching. Farewell, dear Archibald; I cannot tell you how happy it has made me to know that you still love me.

GROS. Ah, if I only dared- [advancing towards her]

IMPATIENCE Sir! this language to one who is promised to another! [tenderly] Oh, Archibald, think of me sometimes, for my heart is breaking! He is unkind to me, and you would be so loving!

GROS. Loving! [advancing towards her]

IMPATIENCE Advance one step, and as I am a good and pure woman, I scream! [tenderly] Farewell, Archibald! [sternly] Stop there! [tenderly] Think of me sometimes! [angrily] Advance at your peril! Once more, adieu!

[GROSVENOR sighs, gazes sorrowfully at her, sighs deeply, and exits, R. She bursts into tears.]

[Enter BUNTHORNE, followed by JANE. He is moody and preoccupied.]

In a doleful train

(Solo) Jane

JANE In a doleful train One and one I walk all day;
For I love in vain- None so sorrowful as me
Who can only sigh and say, Woe is me, alackaday!

BUN. [seeing IMPATIENCE] Crying, eh? What are you crying about?

IMPATIENCE I've only been thinking how dearly I love you!

BUN. Love me! Bah!

JANE Love him! Bah!

BUN. [to JANE] Don't you interfere.

JANE He always crushes me!

IMPATIENCE [going to him] What is the matter, dear Reginald? If you have any sorrow, tell it to me, that I may share it with you. [sighing] It is my duty!

BUN. [snappishly] Whom were you talking with just now?

IMPATIENCE With dear Archibald.

BUN. [furiously] With dear Archibald! Upon my honour, this is too much!

JANE A great deal too much!

BUN. [angrily to JANE] Do be quiet!

JANE Crushed again!

IMPATIENCE I think he is the noblest, purest, and most perfect being I have ever met. But I don't love him. It is true that he is devotedly attached to me, but I don't love him. Whenever he grows affectionate, I scream. It is my duty! [sighing]

BUN. I dare say!

JANE So do I! I dare say!

IMPATIENCE Why, how could I love him and love you too? You can't love two people at once!

BUN. Oh, can't you, though!

IMPATIENCE No, you can't; I only wish you could.

BUN. I don't believe you know what love is!

IMPATIENCE [sighing] Yes, I do. There was a happy time when I didn't, but a bitter experience has taught me.

[BUNTHORNE, noticing that JANE is not looking at him, goes off quickly up R. She turns, sees him, and runs after him.]

No. 14. Love is a plaintive song

(Solo) Impatience

IMPATIENCE Love is a plaintive song,
Sung by a suff'ring maid, Telling a tale of wrong,
Telling of hope betrayed; Tuned to each changing note,
Sorry when he is sad, Blind to his ev'ry mote,
Merry when he is glad! Merry when he is glad!
Love that no wrong can cure, Love that is always new,
That is the love that's pure, That is the love that's true!
Love that no wrong can cure, Love that is always new,
That is the love that's pure, That is the love, the love that's true!

Rendering good for ill,
Smiling at ev'ry frown, Yielding your own self-will,
Laughing your teardrops down; Never a selfish whim,
Trouble, or pain to stir; Everything for him,
Nothing at all for her! Nothing at all for her!
Love that will aye endure, Though the rewards be few,
That is the love that's pure, That is the love that's true!
Love that will aye endure, Though the rewards be few,
That is the love that's pure, That is the love, the love that's true!

[At the end of ballad exit IMPATIENCE, L., weeping. Enter BUNTHORNE, R., JANE following.]

BUN. Everything has gone wrong with me since that smug-faced idiot came here. Before that I was admired - I may say, loved.

JANE Too mild - adored!

BUN. Do let a hippie soliloquize! The damozels used to follow me wherever I went; now they all follow him!

JANE Not all! I am still faithful to you.

BUN. Yes, and a pretty damozel you are!

JANE No, not pretty. Massive. Cheer up! I will never leave you, I swear it!

BUN. Oh, thank you! I know what it is; it's his confounded mildness. They find me too highly spiced, if you please! And no doubt I am highly spiced.

JANE Not for my taste!

BUN. [savagely] No, but I am for theirs. But I will show the world I can be as mild as he. If they want insipidity, they shall have it. I'll meet this fellow on his own ground and beat him on it.

JANE You shall. And I will help you.

BUN. You will? Jane, there's a good deal of good in you, after all!

No. 15. So go to him and say to him

(Duet) Jane and Bunthorne

[Dance]

JANE So go to him and say to him, with compliment ironical-

BUNTHORNE Sing "Hey to you- Good-day to you"-
And that's what I shall say!

JANE "Your style is much too sanctified - your cut is too canonical"-

BUNTHORNE Sing "Bah to you- Ha! ha! to you"-
And that's what I shall say!

JANE "I was the beau ideal of the morbid young aesthetical-
To doubt my inspiration was regarded as heretical-
Until you cut me out with your placidity emetical."

BUNTHORNE Sing "Booh to you- Pooh, pooh to you"-
And that's what I shall say!
Sing "Booh to you- Pooh, pooh to you"-
And that's what I shall say!

BUNTHORNE I'll tell him that unless he will consent to be more jocular-

JANE Sing "Booh to you- Pooh, pooh to you"-
And that's what you should say!

BUNTHORNE To cut his curly hair, and stick an eyeglass in his ocular-

JANE Sing "Bah to you- Ha! ha! to you"-
And that's what you should say!

BUNTHORNE To stuff his conversation full of quibble and of quiddity,
To dine on chops and roly-poly pudding with avidity-
He'd better clear away with all convenient rapidity.

JANE Sing "Hey to you- Good-day to you"-
And that's what you should say!

BUNTHORNE Sing "Booh to you- Pooh, pooh to you"-
And that's what I shall say!

[Enter DUKE, COLONEL, and MAJOR, R. They have abandoned their uniforms, and are dressed and made up in imitation of hippie car owners. They have long hair, and other signs of attachment to the brotherhood. As they sing they walk in stiff, constrained, and angular attitudes - a grotesque exaggeration of the attitudes adopted by BUNTHORNE and the young LADIES in Act I.]

[Enter DUKE... enter MAJOR... enter COLONEL, Attitude. They walk to C.]

No. 16. It's clear that petrol-headedness

(Trio)
Duke, Major, and Colonel

ALL It's clear that petrol-headedness alone retains its zest,
To charm and please its devotees we've done our little best.
We're not quite sure if all we do has the right Detroit-ish ring;
But, as far as we can judge, it's something like this sort of thing:
You hold yourself like this, [attitude] You hold yourself like that, [attitude]
By hook and crook you try to look both angular and flat [attitude].
We venture to expect That what we recollect,
Though but a part of petrol heart, will have its due effect.

If this is not exactly right, we hope you won't upbraid;
You can't get driver's licences, like trousers, ready made.
True views on Automotivism Time alone will bring,
But, as far as we can judge, it's something like this sort of thing:
You hold yourself like this, [attitude] You hold yourself like that, [attitude]
By hook and crook you try to look both angular and flat [attitude].
To cultivate the trim Rigidity of limb,
You ought to get a Marionette, and form your style on him [attitude].

[Attitudes change in time to the music.]

COLONEL [attitude] Yes, it's quite clear that our only chance of making a lasting impression on these young ladies is to become as petrol-headed as they are.

MAJOR [attitude] No doubt. The only question is how far we've succeeded in doing so. I don't know why, but I've an idea that this is not quite right.

DUKE [attitude] I don't like it. I never did. I don't see what it means. I do it, but I don't like it.

COLONEL My good friend, the question is not whether we like it, but whether they do. They understand these things - we don't. Now I shouldn't be surprised if this is effective enough - at a distance.

MAJOR I can't help thinking we're a little stiff at it. It would be extremely awkward if we were to be "struck" so!

COLONEL I don't think we shall be struck so. Perhaps we're a little awkward at first - but everything must have a beginning. Oh, here they come! 'Tention!

[They strike fresh attitudes, as ANGELA and SAPHIR enter, L.]

ANGELA [seeing them] Oh, Saphir - see - see! The immortal fire has descended on them, and they are of the RACV - perceptively intense and consummately utter.

[The OFFICERS have some difficulty in maintaining their constrained attitudes.]

SAPHIR [in admiration] How Ferrarian! How Mercedez Benzian! Oh, petroleum, we thank thee for this boon!

COLONEL [apologetically] I'm afraid we're not quite right.

ANGELA Not supremely, perhaps, but oh, so all - but! [to SAPHIR] Oh, Saphir, are they not quite too all - but?

SAPHIR They are indeed jolly utter!

MAJOR [in agony] I wonder what the RACV usually recommend for cramp?

COLONEL Ladies, we will not deceive you. We are doing this at some personal inconvenience with a view of expressing the extremity of our devotion to you. We trust that it is not without its effect.

ANGELA We will not deny that we are much moved by this proof of your attachment.

SAPHIR Yes, your conversion to the principles of fuel consumption in the best OPEC tradition has touched us deeply.

ANGELA And if Mr. Bunthorne should remain obdurate -

SAPHIR Which we have every reason to believe he will -

MAJOR [aside, in agony] I wish they'd make haste! [The others hush him.]

ANGELA We are not prepared to say that our yearning hearts will not go out to you.

COLONEL [as giving a word of command] By sections of threes - Rapture! [All strike a fresh attitude, expressive of hippie rapture.]

SAPHIR Oh, it's extremely good - for beginners it's admirable.

MAJOR The only question is, who will take who?

COLONEL Oh, the Duke chooses first, as a matter of course.

DUKE Oh, I couldn't think of it - you are really too good!

COLONEL Nothing of the kind. You are a great matrimonial fish, and it's only fair that each of these ladies should have a chance of hooking you. It's perfectly simple. Observe, suppose you choose Angela, I take Saphir, Major takes nobody. [with increasing speed] Suppose you choose Saphir, Major tales Angela, I take nobody. Suppose you choose neither, I take Angela, Major takes Saphir. Dear as clay!

[The officers, with obvious relief, abandon their aesthetic attitudes, and, with the Ladies, dance into position. L. to R. 1st verse: Colonel with Angela; Duke with Saphir; Major alone. 2nd verse: Colonel alone; Angela with Duke; Saphir with Major. 3rd verse: Colonel with Saphir; Duke alone; Angela with Major.]

No. 17. If Saphir I choose to marry

Quintet Duke, Colonel, Major, Angela, and Saphir

DUKE If Saphir I choose to marry, I shall be fixed up for life;
Then the Colonel need not tarry, Angela can be his wife.

MAJOR In that case unprecedented, Single I shall live and die-
I shall have to be contented With their heartfelt sympath-y!

ALL He will have to be contented With our/their heartfelt sympath-y!
In that case unprecedented, Single he/I will/shall live and die-
He/I will/shall have to be contented With our/their heartfelt sympath-y!
He/I will/shall have to be contented With our/their heartfelt sympath-y!
He/I will/shall have to be contented With our/their heartfelt sympath-y!

DUKE If on Angy I determine, At my wedding she'll appear,
Decked in diamond and ermine. Major then can take Saphir!

COLONEL In that case unprecedented, Single I shall live and die-
I shall have to be contented With their heartfelt sympath-y!

ALL He/I will/shall have to be contented With our/their heartfelt sympath-y!
In that case unprecedented, Single he/I will/shall live and die-
He/I will/shall have to be contented With our/their heartfelt sympath-y!
He/I will/shall have to be contented With our/their heartfelt sympath-y!
He/I will/shall have to be contented With our/their heartfelt sympath-y!

[Positions at beginning of Verse 3: L. to R., COLONEL, ANGELA, DUKE, SAPHIR, MAJOR]

DUKE After some debate internal, If on neither I decide,
Saphir then can take the Colonel, [Hands her to the COLONEL.]
Angy be the Major's bride! [Hands her to the MAJOR.]

In that case unprecedented, Single I shall live and die-
I shall have to be contented With their heartfelt sympath-y!

ALL He will have to be contented With our/their heartfelt sympath-y!
In that case unprecedented, Single he/I will/shall live and die-
He/I will/shall have to be contented With our/their heartfelt sympath-y!
He/I will/shall have to be contented With our/their heartfelt sympath-y!
He/I will/shall have to be contented With our/their heartfelt sympath-y!

[They dance off, arm-in-arm, up-stage and off, L.U.E., the COLONEL leading with SAPHIR.]

[Enter GROSVENOR, R.U.E.]

GROS. It is very pleasant to be alone. It is pleasant to be able to gaze at leisure upon those features which all others may gaze upon at their good will! [Looking at his reflection in rear vision mirror (held in hand).] Ah, I am a very Narcissus!

[Enter BUNTHORNE, L. moodily.]

BUN. It's no use; I can't live without admiration. Since Grosvenor came here, insipidity has been at a premium. Ah, he is there!

GROS. Ah, Bunthorne! Come here - look! Very graceful, isn't it!

BUN. [taking mirror] Allow me; I haven't seen it. Yes, it is graceful.

GROS. [taking back the mirror] Oh, good gracious! not that - this -

BUN. You don't mean that! Bah! I am in no mood for trifling.

GROS. And what is amiss?

BUN. Ever since you came here, you have entirely monopolized the attentions of the young ladies. I don't like it, sir!

GROS. My dear sir, how can I help it? They are the plague of my life. My dear Mr. Bunthorne, with your personal - how shall I put it - disadvantages, you can have no idea of the inconvenience of being madly loved, at first sight, by every woman you meet.

BUN. Sir, until you came here I was adored!

GROS. Exactly - until I came here. That's my grievance. I cut everybody out! I assure you, if you could only suggest some means whereby, consistently with my duty to society, I could escape these inconvenient attentions, you would earn my everlasting gratitude.

BUN. I will do so at once. However popular it may be with the world at large, your personal automobile is highly objectionable to me.

GROS. It is? [shaking his hand] Oh, thank you! thank you! How can I express my gratitude?

BUN. By making a complete change at once. Your conversation must henceforth be perfectly matter-of-fact. You must sell your car, and have a yearly Metcard. In method of transport you must be absolutely commonplace.

GROS. [decidedly] No. Pardon me, that's impossible.

BUN. Take care! When I am thwarted I am very terrible.

GROS. I can't help that. I am a man with a mission. And that mission must be fulfilled.

BUN. I don't think you quite appreciate the consequences of thwarting me.

GROS. I don't care what they are.

BUN. Suppose - I won't go so far as to say that I will do it - but suppose for one moment I were to lobby for a fuel tax? [GROSVENOR quails.] Ah! Very well. Take care.

GROS. But surely you would never do that? [In great alarm]

BUN. I don't know. It would be an extreme measure, no doubt. Still-

GROS. [wildly] But you would not do it - I am sure you would not. [Throwing himself at BUNTHORNE's knees, and clinging to him] Oh, reflect, reflect! You had a mother once.

BUN. Never!

GROS. Then you had an aunt! [BUNTHORNE affected.] Ah! I see you had! By the memory of that aunt, I implore you to pause ere you resort to this last fearful expedient. Oh, Mr. Bunthorne, reflect, reflect! [Weeping]

BUN. [aside, after a struggle with himself] I must not allow myself to be unmanned! [aloud] It is useless. Consent at once, or may a nephew's tax -

GROS. Hold! Are you absolutely resolved?

BUN. Absolutely.

GROS. Will nothing shake you?

BUN. Nothing. I am adamant.

GROS. Very good. [rising] Then I yield.

BUN. Ha! You swear it?

GROS. I do, cheerfully. I have long wished for a reasonable pretext for such a change as you suggest. It has come at last. I do it on compulsion!

BUN. Victory! I triumph!

No. 18. When I go out of door

(Duet) Bunthorne and Grosvenor

[Each one dances around the stage while the other is singing his solo verses.]

BUNTHORNE When I go out of door, Of damozels a score
(All sighing and burning, And clinging and yearning) Will follow me as before.

I shall, with cultured taste, Distinguish gems from paste,
And "High diddle diddle" Will rank as an idyll, If I pronounce it chaste!

BOTH A most intense young man, A soulful-eyed young man,
An ultra-poetical, super-aesthetical, Out-of-the-way young man!

GROSVENOR Conceive me, if you can, An ev'ryday young man:
A commonplace type, With a stick and a pipe, And a half-bred black-and-tan;
Who thinks suburban "hops" More fun than "Monday Pops,"-
Who's fond of his dinner, And doesn't get thinner On bottled beer and chops.

BOTH A commonplace young man, A matter-of-fact young man-
A steady and stolidy, jolly Bank-holiday, Every-day young man!

BUNTHORNE A Japanese young man- A red-and-chrome young man-
Francesca di Rimini, miminy, piminy, Je-ne-sais-quoi young man!

GROSVENOR A Chancery lane young man- A Somerset House young man,-
A very delectable, highly respectable Three-penny-bus young man!

BUNTHORNE A pallid and thin young man- A haggard and lank young man,
A greenery-yallery, Grosvenor Gallery, Foot-to-the-floor young man!

GROSVENOR A Sewell and Cross young man, A Howell & James young man,
A pushing young particle - "What's the next article?"- Waterloo House young man!

BUN. It is all right! I have committed my last act of ill-nature, and henceforth I'm a changed character.

[Dances about stage, humming refrain of last air. Enter IMPATIENCE, L. She gazes in astonishment at him.]

IMPATIENCE Reginald! Dancing! And - what in the world is the matter with you?

BUN. Impatience, I'm a changed man. Hitherto I've been gloomy, moody, fitful - uncertain in temper and selfish in disposition-

IMPATIENCE You have, indeed! [sighing]

BUN. All that is changed. I have reformed. I have modelled myself upon Mr. Grosvenor. Henceforth I am mildly cheerful. My conversation will blend amusement with instruction. I shall still be car-bound; but my driving will be for only the most necesary excursions.

IMPATIENCE Oh, Reginald! Is all this true?

BUN. Quite true. Observe how amiable I am. [Holds up Smiley face mask]

IMPATIENCE But, Reginald, how long will this last?

BUN. With occasional intervals for rest and refreshment in the buffet car, as long as I do.

IMPATIENCE Oh, Reginald, I'm so happy! Oh, dear, dear Reginald, I cannot express the joy I feel at this change. It will no longer be a duty to love you, but a pleasure - a rapture - an ecstasy!

BUN. My darling! [embracing her]

IMPATIENCE But - oh, horror! [recoiling from him]

BUN. What's the matter?

IMPATIENCE Is it quite certain that you have absolutely reformed - that you are henceforth a perfect being - utterly free from manufacturing defect of any kind?

BUN. It is quite certain. I have sworn it.

IMPATIENCE Then I never can be yours! [crossing to R.C.]

BUN. Why not?

IMPATIENCE Love, to be pure, must be absolutely unselfish, and there can be nothing unselfish in loving so perfect a being as you have now become!

BUN. But, stop a bit. I don't want to change - I'll relapse - I'll be as I was - interrupted!

[Enter GROSVENOR, L.U.E., followed by all the young LADIES, who are followed by Chorus of DRAGOONS. He has had his hair cut, and is dressed in an ordinary suit and a bowler hat. They all dance cheerfully round the stage in marked contrast to their former languor.]

No. 19. I'm a Warrnambool Line young man

(Solo and Chorus) Grosvenor and Maidens

GROSVENOR I'm a Warrnambool Line young man, A National Rail young man,
A steady and stolidy, jolly Bank-holiday, Everyday young man.

MAIDENS We're Hillside Trains young girls, We're Williamstown Beach young girls,
We're prettily pattering, cheerily chattering, Every-day young girls.

BUN. [C.] Angela - Saphir - what - what does this mean?

ANGELA [R.] It means that Archibald the All-Right cannot be all-wrong; and if the All-Right chooses to go by rail, it proves that rail is the way to go.

IMPATIENCE Oh, Archibald! Archibald! I'm shocked - surprised - horrified!

GROS. [L.C.] I can't help it. I'm not a free agent. I do it on compulsion.

IMPATIENCE This is terrible. Go! I shall never set eyes on you again. But - oh, joy!

GROS.[L.C.] What is the matter?

IMPATIENCE [R.C.] Is it quite, quite certain that you will always be a commonplace young man?

GROS. Always - I've sworn it.

IMPATIENCE And that you will always travel by train?

GROS. Yes, I've sold the car and bought a Metcard! [Produces it]

IMPATIENCE Why, then, there's nothing to prevent my loving you with all the fervour at my command!

GROS. Why, that's true.

IMPATIENCE [crossing to him] My Archibald!

GROS. My Impatience! [They embrace.]

BUN. Crushed again!

[Enter JANE, L.]

JANE [who is still wearing dusters and goggles] Cheer up! I am still here. I have never left you, and I never will!

BUN. Thank you, Jane. After all, there is no denying it, you're a fine figure of a woman!

JANE My Reginald!

BUN. My Jane! [They embrace.]

Fanfare

[Enter, R., COLONEL, MAJOR, and DUKE. They are again in uniform.]

COLONEL Ladies, the Duke has at length determined to select a bride!

[General excitement]

DUKE [R.] I have a great gift to bestow. [Holds up Zone 1+2+3 Yearly Metcard] Approach, such of you as are truly lovely. [All the MAIDENS come forward, bashfully, except JANE and IMPATIENCE.] In personal appearance you have all incurred death. In common fairness, I think I ought to choose the only one among you who has the misfortune to be distinctly plain. [Girls retire disappointed.] Jane!

JANE [leaving BUNTHORNE's arms] Duke! [JANE and DUKE embrace. BUNTHORNE is utterly disgusted.]

BUN. Crushed again!

No. 20. After much debate internal

(Finale of Act II) Ensemble

DUKE [R.C.] After much debate internal, I on Lady Jane decide,
Saphir now may take the Col'nel, Angy be the Major's bride!

[SAPHIR pairs off with COLONEL, R., ANGELA with MAJOR, L.]

BUNTHORNE [C.] In that case unprecedented, Single I must live and die-
I shall have to be contented With a Falcon GTi!

[BUNTHORNE, C., takes a Falcon from pocket and gazes affectionately at it.]

SAPHIR, ANGELA, DUKE, BUNTHORNE & COLONEL He will have to be contented With a Falcon GTi!

ALL In that case unprecedented, Single he/I must live and die-
He will/I shall have to be contented With a Falcon GTi!

Greatly pleased with one another, To get married we/they decide.
Each of us/them will wed the other, Nobody be Bunthorne's Pride!

Dance

End of Opera