Trains and Brains

Scientists examining the brains of the top 18,500,000 people in Australia with very high IQs have discovered a correlation between high intelligence and two chemicals called Ferrocarbohydroxide (FeCH₂O - "Steel and Steam") and Tetra-Osmium-Nitrate (Os₄N₃ - "Dense Fertiliser"). The proportion of each inside the brain is called the Clapp Factor, and is expressed as a fraction, Ferrocarbohydroxide divided by Tetra-Osmium-Nitrate, amounts per cubic centimeter measured by mass.

This factor has long been suspected to have connections with a person's fascination with railways: a lower Clapp Factor results in less excitement when a train is sighted, and vice versa. However, the discovery of the relationship between the Clapp Factor and the IQ has caused amazement to the scientific community and horror to the road transport lobbyists.

An average person has a Clapp Factor of about 0.75. People who have been brought up in countries where railways do not feature in society average about 0.25. People over 75 years of age who grew up in railway towns such as Seymour average 1. Interestingly, the scientists who did the research were subsequently found to have Clapp factors between 3.75 and 11.8.

The scientists have labelled people with Clapp Factors under 0.5 as 1Co-Co1s (pronounced "Dodos"). This term has been traced back to the early diesel locomotives used by British Rail.

The relationship between the Clapp Factor and the Intelligence Quotient have been demonstrated beyond all doubt. A saturation of Tetra-Osmium-Nitrate above 3.5g/cm³ (corresponding to a Clapp Factor of under 0.6 in an average person) can result in permanent memory loss, slow memory recall, and difficulty absorbing new information.

The scientific proofs for these astounding facts are surprisingly simple. Tetra-Osmium-Nitrate displaces usable grey matter: if not so much is in the brain, the space can be better utilized. Since Tetra-Osmium-Nitrate is very heavy, the standard intelligence tests ("Has anybody weighed your head lately?") have been found to be inadequate. However, the colloquial word "dense" has now been accepted as a scientific term as it precisely describes a person with a low Clapp Factor.

Unfortunately, there is a catch: the extra usable intelligence is only accessable while the person's Environmental Railway Saturation (ERS) is greater than 50%; semi-permanent damage will occur if ERS falls below 5% for more than about a week.

Environmental Railway Saturation is a measure of how much "train" there is in your surroundings (environment). If the ERS climbs above 300%, it occasionally has the effect of removing some Tetra-Osmium-Nitrate from the brain and replacing it with Ferrocarbohydroxide. This has been demonstrated in several cases, but never under laboratory conditions.